Bucket List: Reloaded

The other night I was looking back at some of my older posts and I stumbled upon one of my earliest entries, the bucket list. As you’ll recall (the 2 of you who have read my blog since the beginning), Raoul and I were inspired by Driving Miss Daisy to start a bucket list before Morgan Freeman murdered us on our death beds…or something to that effect. Now that I think about it, it probably had to do with actually accomplishing something before we reached old age. That being said, I hope to never really see old age as I’ve decided that when I hit 65, I’m committing suicide, or “euthanasia,” as it were (or will be). And I’m not just talking about you’re average, run-of-the-mill shotgun to the face here. No, when I reach 65, I’m going to parachute out of a plane. Instead of a parachute, however, I’ll have explosives strapped to my back. After I jump, I’ll count to 10, pull the rip cord (which will be more like a grenade pin (and me the grenade)), and KABLOOEY! Ablakabits will rain from the heavens like manna. Enough about my own demise though. Despite several court orders and the prayers of many, Raoul and I put our heads together again and came up with more things to do before we die. This time, I’m even and Raoul is odd (you can say that again).

1. Get a Royal Flush, preferably in a game of strip poker.
   
2. Hit a hole-in-one (putt-putt will be fine).
   
3. Rig the 2010 World Cup so Xander has to eat his own face.
   
4. Figure out who stole the goddamn cookies from the cookie jar.
   
5. Find the stork nest and kidnap all the babies for ransom.
   
6. Shoot the moon.
   
7. Become a shipping magnate.
   
8. Yell “PLAY BALL!!!” at a baseball game way before the National Anthem is finished.
   
9. Genocide (start or stop).
   
10. Create a unit of measurement.
    
11. Be granted sainthood.
    
12. Throw my hands in the air and wave ‘em like I just don’t care.
    
13. Have sex with a little person.
    
14. Sleep it off.
    
15. Have sex with a famous person who is 20 years my senior (or junior).
    
16. Drown my sorrows in alcohol.
    
17. Desecrate a holy site.
    
18. Give a high-five (to anyone) during sex.
    
19. Make it onto a top 10 list (e.g. FBI’s Most Wanted, Top Ten People Most Likely To Sleep With Your Wife, etc.)
    
20. Quell an uprising.
    
21. Make an ear necklace.
    
22. Misquote an idiom in a serious situation (For example: “I’m surprised that Mr. Thompson sucked the bucket at such a young age…he seemed so healthy!”)
    
23. See if I can touch your kidneys.
    
24. Make it all the way to the toilet, for once.
    
25. Challenge an infant to a cagefight.
    
26. Give 110% at a time when that much effort is completely unnecessary.
    
27. Get my hands on my CIA dossier.
    
28. Don’t stop til I get enough.
    
29. Have a statue of me erected.
    
30. Refer to someone as “tough guy” just before whipping their ass.
    
31. Discover a new species, name it after myself, then eradicate it.
    
32. Guess someone’s card.
    
33. Be knighted (in America).
    
34. Kick someone where the sun don’t shine.
    
35. One-handed pushup.
    
36. Steal someone’s identity and improve upon it.
    
37. Take the slow train to Peanutopolis.
    
38. Demonstrate yet again the evil nature of Morgan Freeman. (This is a bonus for the long-timers)
    

Tasty Face

The other day, one of my best friends made a shocking proclamation to me via text. Before I reveal what it was, I should tell you that it was such an astounding utterance that I instantly thought "I've got to get this in writing." I know what you're thinking, "isn't a text in writing? I mean, you write using text, so..." Well, my phone (coincidentally generously given to me by the very same friend) is prone to failure (the phone is of great quality, so I attribute this entirely to my dropping the shit out of it all the time) and has a wickedly tiny amount of memory reserved for text messages. Plus, you can't put a signature on a text. No, I needed something more permanent. So I ran just as fast as I could to the nearest computer and drafted up a contract, which I present to you now. (NOTE: The version that appears here is slightly modified from the actual version. That matters little, as my friend has already signed the original. Oh, it's on.)

REQUIRED ACTION AGREEMENT

On this 15th day of February, 2009, XANDER and BLAKA do hereby enter into the following irrevocable agreement (“AGREEMENT”):

If the United States of America Men’s National Soccer Team wins the 2010 World Cup soccer tournament, XANDER will eat, get this, his own face (an event which shall hereafter be referred to as “EVENT”).

FACE shall be defined as the area contained within the parameters created by XANDER’S neck, hairline, and the left and right ears. A more specific definition of FACE shall be defined and mutually agreed upon at the time of EVENT. If the two parties are unable to mutually agree on a more specific definition of FACE, RAOUL (hereafter known as “MUJICIAN”) shall estimate the average of each party’s definition and rule in the interest of MUJICIAN’S best judgment. If MUJICIAN is unable to provide fair and unbiased judgment, the dispute shall be settled by tossing a 2-sided coin, the denomination of which doesn’t fucking matter. XANDER shall have the privilege of calling it in the air because, after all, he is about to eat his own goddamn face. The flipping of the coin shall be completed in 3 consecutive repetitions, the results of which shall be recorded by each participant, so’s nobody cheats, ya dig? Whosoever wins the better part of 3 coin-tosses shall be allowed to use their definition of FACE, which shall not vary one half-inch (roughly 14 meters/second or so in metric) more or less than the aforementioned general description of FACE.

MUJICIAN’s ability to judge fairly shall be determined by XANDER and BLAKA during the moments just prior to EVENT. Declaring MUJICIAN incompetent on grounds of drunkenness is invalid. In truth, all participants in EVENT shall be intoxicated at the time of EVENT, unless any medical conditions, promises of sobriety, or obligations to drive or fuck successfully after EVENT demand otherwise. (NOTE: XANDER will most likely be relieved of his fucking duties for life because...who wants to bang a cheeseless pizza?)

XANDER shall be permitted as much time as necessary to consume entire FACE in one sitting, however the allotted time shall be not longer than 24 hours. XANDER shall be allowed to request whatever utensil(s) he desires to assist in eating FACE, unless otherwise denied by BLAKA, whose ruling shall be ultimately confirmed or denied by MUJICIAN.

Failure on XANDER’S part to eat FACE will result in the forcible feeding of FACE to XANDER at the hands of BLAKA.

Any party’s failure to attend EVENT at the prescribed time and location (both to be determined and mutually agreed upon by XANDER and BLAKA) merely delays the inevitable.

XANDER, BLAKA, and MUJICIAN are of sound mind (possibly slightly stoned and/or drunk, but that’s alright) at the time of signing AGREEMENT and give their signatures below entirely voluntarily and under no form or amount of duress. In truth, the idea for EVENT, created the evening of February 12, 2009 via text message between XANDER and BLAKA was originally XANDER’S idea. I know. I can’t believe it either. The AGREEMENT having already been made in the manner just now described, this document is basically a formality, though it is absolutely legally binding, so XANDER can forget about trying to get out of it. And the church said, “Amen.”

Go Snug Yourself

I paid $15 for a Snuggie the other day. And no, “Snuggie” isn’t some code word for a dirty sex act or else I would have said “The other day I paid $15 bucks for some hooker to give me a Snuggie. After she finished I beat her up and got my money back. Then her pimp tried to kick my ass, but I got the best of him and Snuggied all over his face to teach him a lesson.” Snuggies (or the even dirtier sounding alternative, Slankets) are blankets with sleeves. “Sleeved blankets?” you might say. “That’s fucking stupid,” you might continue. Well a few days ago, I’d totally be with you. The first time I saw a commercial for Snuggies, all I could think was “Who the hell would buy that?”

Then I bought one.

Now, I’ve only worn it once because I actually bought it for my wife and she hasn’t taken the damn thing off since I brought it home, but let me tell you that I’ve never been so comfortable in my entire life as when I’m wearing a Snuggie. On the surface, Snuggies look like backwards robes without hoods or that waist-tie thing (you know, the thing that for some reason unbeknownst to me actually prevents people from seeing your balls), but somehow they don’t make me feel like nearly as much of a douchebag as if I was wearing a robe. I can’t say for sure, but it’s probably because Snuggies make you look like a motherfuckin' warlock. And I know that everyone has their own personal stand-up routine about how ridiculous infomercials are, but the people who can truly appreciate the Snuggie are the same people who have actually experienced the terror and panic of being trapped in a blanket when all you want to do is change the damn channel. Aside from increased mobility, you can text, flip someone off, and make shadow puppets all while still being completely covered by a blanket. Taking all these things into account, it’s easy to see what the Snuggie represents: Freedom. So basically it’s unpatriotic not to own one. Before you go running to your nearest Snuggie merchant though, I must warn that you will probably have mixed feelings about wearing it in public because one of two things can happen. Either people will think you are a fucking idiot OR they will fear your magical powers. If you do wear it in public, I recommend you walk around with some kind of small animal (a newt or a rabbit perhaps). That way you can tell people that it actually used to be a human, but you turned them into a creature because they mocked your Cloak of Snugness. Yeah...that'll shut em up good! In all seriousness, don’t wear this thing out of the house. It’s awesome, but it looks totally rigoddamndiculous. Snug on, my friends. For America’s sake.

Celebrelations

Now I care mildly about pop culture as much as the next non-gender specific being, but one thing I have little patience for is the shortening of celebrity couple names to a concoction of each person’s name. I think I get it. You want to refer to your celebrity couples in the shortest “word” possible so that you have more time to jack-off to People’s 2008 Best Dressed list. What I don’t understand about the whole thing though is how to decide which celebrity couples are worthy of a couplename. Some of the existing ones (Bennifer and Brangelina for example) are a little obvious and fairly boring. Why not include last names too and give them to couples who have cooler names to begin with? I know they’re not a couple anymore (see, I’m hip), but Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro would be Electravarro. Now THAT’s one hell of a celebrity couple name. Not only does it sound like a Spanish superhero, but it’s also fun to say. Surely there are more like that one. Wait a second, I think I REALLY get it now... it’s actually fun to think these things up! However, since I still don’t understand who gets a couplename, I’m going to do what I always do when I don’t quite understand the rules to something: I’m making up my own rules.

Rule #1 – You can use last names
Rule #2 – Couples’ names must form something silly or immature
Rule #3 – Couples are completely hypothetical (so just like with sex, dead people are fair game)

Well, that about does it for the rulebook. Now it's time to make with the funny:

Matt Dillon & Bridget Bardot = DillDo.
John Wayne & Miley Cyrus = WaynUs.
Peta Wilson & Peter Gabriel = PePe.Any of the Hanson sisters & Steve Jobs = HanJobs.Marcia Gay-Hardin & Gerard Butler = Gay-HardinBut.











Sorry I didn’t do pictures for all of them, there just really aren’t funny pictures of some people (thanks for screwing the pooch, Marcia Gay-Hardin). Let me know if you think of any good couplenames.