P.S., I Love You – Part 2

Alright, everyone. It’s time for the thrilling conclusion to last month’s Photoshop cliffhanger. Actually, before we get into that I feel I should let you know that I screwed the pooch on last month’s entry. I forgot I submitted an entry into the “Awesome Ways to Quit Your Job” Photoshop contest. This one was actually before the patriotism one. My deepest apologies for cocking up the chronology of this thing. God, I’m such a fucking asshole. Anyway, here was my entry for that one:

I liked it and it got a little love on the forums so even though it did not place, I was pleased.

Click here to see all of the finalists.

Now it’s time to hop back in the time machine and warp through some continuum or whatever right past the Patriotism contest. That should bring us to the “Worst Possible Time to Get an Erection” contest. I’m a little ashamed to admit how much time I spent thinking about this one. A good amount of the entries showed a fundamental misunderstanding of male anatomy, but the ones that looked somewhat realistic were awesome. None of mine placed, but here they are anyway:

For those of you that don’t know, that last one comes from a gameshow where you have to stand in the same shape as the hole in the wall. The wall moves slowly toward you, so if you aren’t making the right shape, you’ll get knocked into water or something like that. It’d be bad enough to get knocked off of a stage because of your boner, but can you imagine trying to hide a boner in a jumpsuit? As a side note, if you haven’t seen this, you should. It’s pretty SFW, as if Sir Fats even cares.

Click here to see all of the finalists.

The next contest was “Movie Plots That Could Have Been Solved in Minutes.” I did 2 entries for this one, both of which I was really proud of. I was actually surprised this one hadn’t been done by the time I submitted it, but it got 6th place and was used as the banner ad for the article on the front page. It’s always awesome to see something you’ve created get any kind of exposure, even if the viewers have no idea who I am. Here it is:

I also did this one:



Don’t worry, there’s no shame in Googling “John Kimble” if you don’t get the joke at first. I’ll wait.

Click here to see all of the finalists.

Got it? Good. That was a really late entry and as you can see it didn’t make the finals, but it’s probably one of my favorite shops I’ve done.

And now, at long last, we come to the conclusion of this interminable clip show. The most recent contest I entered was “If Sarcasm Ruled the World.” Here are my two entries:

After the stop sign one got 4th place, I decided to take a break and give other people a chance to not win anything. Actually, I just have not had any decent ideas for the last few contests, but I’m not worried. You see, ideas are like orgasms, they come in spurts. So what if I don’t have any orgasms for a month or so? If the world knows what’s good for it, it will brace itself for the impending Photoshop bukkake I’m about to unleash all over its face. Too much? You better believe it.

Click here to see all of the finalists.

Thanks for putting up with my posting some older stuff that I've done. Some of those creations took WAY more time than you would think and I wanted to share them with someone. Who better than the unsuspecting victims loyal readers of my blog?

ACL Awards 2009

If any of you have read my blog for at least a year, you’ll remember that last year I gave out awards for the annual Austin City Limits music festival. Well, it’s that time again as I attended my third straight ACL this past weekend. In case you didn’t know (I’m looking disapprovingly at you, Sir Fats), ACL and South by Southwest are NOT the same thing. They are roughly 6 months apart, take place in entirely different parts of town, and attract acts of varying popularity (though they are all musical...I think…Bjork performed at ACL 2 years ago and I would classify that more as an audio interpretation of a really confusing nightmare). In the days leading up to ACL 2009, my only concern was getting to see Flogging Molly whilst drunk. After that, I would be happy to just see 4 or 5 shows a day. My wife and I managed to make all that happen and we ended up having a really great weekend after getting off to a slow start. Don’t worry. I’m not going to bore you with my minute by minute schedule. I know you’re just here for the awards and the scenery, so without further ado…

The Surprise of the Year Award this year goes to The Felice Brothers who were one of my top 3 favorite acts of the weekend. The amount of time I spend listening to them will increase dramatically now that I’ve actually heard of them. Their performance certainly didn’t feel like it was a 1:15 pm show.

Runners-up:
Phoenix – I hadn’t had much exposure at all to this band before ACL, but they kept the whole crowd rocking throughout their entire performance. They also had probably the most humble lead singer of any band, who proclaimed they had never performed in front of a crowd of that size and said “thank you” about a brazillion times.

!!! (pronounced “chkchkchk”) – These guys know how to move a crowd (physically, not emotionally…or bowelly)

This year’s Perfect Timing Award goes to this guy for making me second guess my stance on the existence of ghosts:

I swear to you that photo is not altered in any way.

The Kiss My Dick Award for this year goes to Salt Lick Barbeque. More like DICK Lick Barbeque, right? Or Salt DICK Barbeque, yeah? Or maybe BALL SICK FARTONYOU seriously guys who’s with me???

$7 for a pulled pork sandwich is fine. $7 for a large spoonful of completely dry pork topped with cabbage and two tiny squirts of BBQ sauce is Kiss My Dickable.

Runner-up: Some stupid asshole in line at the port-o-potties. While waiting in line Saturday for my turn to piss, the guy a few people up from me went into the stall and forgot to lock the door. So, on the exterior door handle was a giant green circle, which usually means “come on in!” But in this instance, since probably 30 people saw him go in there, everyone remained in line…except for one stupid asshole. This woman, maybe 25, crossed the no-man’s land between where the line starts and the stench begins and before she could even finish “HEY IS THERE ANYONE IN THIS ONE?” she had ripped the door open, which prompted everyone in line to issue a rousing “WHOA, SOMEONE’S IN THERE!” This girl knew that. She had to know that. She was standing right next to me. There were 4 or 5 people in front of her waiting for the same stall. Now, I had consumed a beer or two at this point, but for whatever reason I felt it necessary to say to her “Yeah, that’s why there are lines.” She walked up to me, did something nonsensical with her hands (ask me next time you see me and I’ll show you) and said “I GET IT.” Luckily, the lines had my back. The guy next to me says to her “But, do you really?” Anyway, fuck that woman.

The “Seriously, Do All Rap Concerts Sound Like This?" Award for this year goes to Mos Def. Not only did Mos Def show up 30 minutes late for his concert that was scheduled to last only 1 hour, but he proceeded to beat seemingly randomly on drums and freestyle the entire time. Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe those were his songs. But I’ve heard Mos Def before, and he is fucking brilliant. This show, however, was annoyingly boring.

The Funniest Artist Award this year goes to Dave King of Flogging Molly. I had originally typed out the reasons why, but this was really one of those “you had to be there” things. Trust me, he was way funnier than anyone else. I was drunk at the time, but for some reason I got a good kick out of him telling the audience, "Come on Austin, give us those fingers." Damn near everyone obliged.

Runner-up: The male lead singer of !!!, who claimed that every time he said “goddammit,” the band’s drummer smiled (and boy did he). He must have said “goddammit” about 100 times. He also borrowed an umbrella from a fan and a line from the Talking Heads when he said “You may ask yourself, this is not my fucking umbrella, goddammit!” It doesn’t make sense, but neither do most Talking Heads songs.

The Bands That Obviously Know What They’re Doing Awards go to:

The B-52s – Sure, I spent most of the time just waiting for Love Shack and Rock Lobster, but they were way more energetic than I expected them to be. I’ve never seen so many middle-aged people dancing in my life.

White Lies – the last show we saw of the whole festival. Yes, we left early, but damn if this wasn’t a good note to end on.

Flogging Molly – Drunken jigs were being danced all over the damn place. Even if you don’t typically like their music, you should go to one of their shows and drink your fool head off. If you don’t have a good time, I hate you.

Black Joe Lewis & the Honeybears – If you took James Brown and Sly and the Family Stone, put them in a jar, and shook it up, the result would be Black Joe Lewis & the Honeybears. Seriously energetic, soulful performance. The only knock on them would be their horn “solos” that started off promising and never really went anywhere.

The first ever Unfortunately Small Crowd Award goes to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs who put on a damn good show that truly exceeded my expectations. You see, Kings of Leon were playing at the same time as this show, so most of the festival crowd was clear across the park when the Yeah Yeah Yeahs went on stage. Until this weekend, my only real exposure to them was playing “Maps” in Rock Band, a song I wasn’t real crazy about, but they sure are fun to watch live. And I’m not at all attracted to her, but I think having sex with lead singer Karen O would be the loudest and most awesomely disorienting seizuregasm ever. I’d also be afraid of where she’d try to stick the microphone, but I'd probably just go along with it.

The Weirdest Freak Out Award goes to my festival partner (my wife), whose wristband was on so tight that the universe was collapsing on itself, to hear her tell it.

The Shittiest Performance Award goes to K’Naan. K’Naan was actually awesome, but he had the misfortune of performing at the stage closest to the toilets. See what I did there? With that award title? That, my friends, is a little play on words that maybe leaves you confused for a bit, but explains it in due time, all while making you question the very essence of your being.

The Band I’m Least Likely to Continue Listening To After ACL Award goes to Them Crooked Vultures. There’s no denying the talent that makes up this group. Shit, one quarter of my favorite band of all time is in it! That being said, we saw their entire show and for whatever reason, I just wasn’t feeling it. Dave Grohl on the drums live is a sight to see, though.

And now for the crowning achievement of the entire weekend and what I hope becomes a recurring award for many years…The Most Likely to Lay Himself at My Feet, Rub His Breasts, and Accidentally Run His Knuckles Across My Shin While Fixing His Hair Award goes to this guy:

Thank you for invading my personal space. It was the realest experience I’ve had in awhile.

Well, folks, that’s pretty much a wrap for this year’s festival. The weather and the seemingly ridiculous amount of people made me seriously question whether or not I would attend again, but hell if my wife and I didn’t leave the festival already talking about buying tickets for next year. ACL 2010 or bust!