Tasty Face

The other day, one of my best friends made a shocking proclamation to me via text. Before I reveal what it was, I should tell you that it was such an astounding utterance that I instantly thought "I've got to get this in writing." I know what you're thinking, "isn't a text in writing? I mean, you write using text, so..." Well, my phone (coincidentally generously given to me by the very same friend) is prone to failure (the phone is of great quality, so I attribute this entirely to my dropping the shit out of it all the time) and has a wickedly tiny amount of memory reserved for text messages. Plus, you can't put a signature on a text. No, I needed something more permanent. So I ran just as fast as I could to the nearest computer and drafted up a contract, which I present to you now. (NOTE: The version that appears here is slightly modified from the actual version. That matters little, as my friend has already signed the original. Oh, it's on.)

REQUIRED ACTION AGREEMENT

On this 15th day of February, 2009, XANDER and BLAKA do hereby enter into the following irrevocable agreement (“AGREEMENT”):

If the United States of America Men’s National Soccer Team wins the 2010 World Cup soccer tournament, XANDER will eat, get this, his own face (an event which shall hereafter be referred to as “EVENT”).

FACE shall be defined as the area contained within the parameters created by XANDER’S neck, hairline, and the left and right ears. A more specific definition of FACE shall be defined and mutually agreed upon at the time of EVENT. If the two parties are unable to mutually agree on a more specific definition of FACE, RAOUL (hereafter known as “MUJICIAN”) shall estimate the average of each party’s definition and rule in the interest of MUJICIAN’S best judgment. If MUJICIAN is unable to provide fair and unbiased judgment, the dispute shall be settled by tossing a 2-sided coin, the denomination of which doesn’t fucking matter. XANDER shall have the privilege of calling it in the air because, after all, he is about to eat his own goddamn face. The flipping of the coin shall be completed in 3 consecutive repetitions, the results of which shall be recorded by each participant, so’s nobody cheats, ya dig? Whosoever wins the better part of 3 coin-tosses shall be allowed to use their definition of FACE, which shall not vary one half-inch (roughly 14 meters/second or so in metric) more or less than the aforementioned general description of FACE.

MUJICIAN’s ability to judge fairly shall be determined by XANDER and BLAKA during the moments just prior to EVENT. Declaring MUJICIAN incompetent on grounds of drunkenness is invalid. In truth, all participants in EVENT shall be intoxicated at the time of EVENT, unless any medical conditions, promises of sobriety, or obligations to drive or fuck successfully after EVENT demand otherwise. (NOTE: XANDER will most likely be relieved of his fucking duties for life because...who wants to bang a cheeseless pizza?)

XANDER shall be permitted as much time as necessary to consume entire FACE in one sitting, however the allotted time shall be not longer than 24 hours. XANDER shall be allowed to request whatever utensil(s) he desires to assist in eating FACE, unless otherwise denied by BLAKA, whose ruling shall be ultimately confirmed or denied by MUJICIAN.

Failure on XANDER’S part to eat FACE will result in the forcible feeding of FACE to XANDER at the hands of BLAKA.

Any party’s failure to attend EVENT at the prescribed time and location (both to be determined and mutually agreed upon by XANDER and BLAKA) merely delays the inevitable.

XANDER, BLAKA, and MUJICIAN are of sound mind (possibly slightly stoned and/or drunk, but that’s alright) at the time of signing AGREEMENT and give their signatures below entirely voluntarily and under no form or amount of duress. In truth, the idea for EVENT, created the evening of February 12, 2009 via text message between XANDER and BLAKA was originally XANDER’S idea. I know. I can’t believe it either. The AGREEMENT having already been made in the manner just now described, this document is basically a formality, though it is absolutely legally binding, so XANDER can forget about trying to get out of it. And the church said, “Amen.”