The Sport of Kings

I love Ultimate. The only thing is, as with all sports, it can get a little routine sometimes. While discussing the finer points of the issue one night, Raoul and I decided to win the lottery and use the money to create a new breed of Ultimate. Inspiration for the new game is drawn from America’s hero: Arnold Schwarzenegger (specifically in The Running Man). The rules are simple: Two teams, Team WidowMaker (comprised of Raoul, Xander, Terrell Owens, Troy Polamalu, Macho Man “Randy Savage,” Mike Tyson, and myself) and Team Daffodil (comprised of death row inmates), compete on a 70 yard field with two 25-yard long endzones. Points are scored by completing a pass to any of your teammates in the correct endzone. If the disc is intercepted or hits the ground at any time, players yell “TURN,” a member of Team Daffodil is exploded, and possession immediately switches hands. Also, the field itself will be surrounded by 80 ft. high walls made of constantly flowing lava. At random intervals, simulated earthquakes will rock the stadium, incapacitating the players who don’t have jetpacks (read: Team Daffodil) and invariably knocking a number of spectators onto the field. Any spectator who lands on the field is required to join Team Daffodil. And there will be polar bears wandering throughout the stadium. And they will be genetically engineered to be GIGANTIC. Yeah, that’s the stuff!

I figure it’ll only take a little bit of start-up capital to get the sport, hereby dubbed SlaughterBall, off the ground. Once things get going we’ll make plenty of money selling merch in the SlaughterMall and food in the Slaughteria, all of which (merch AND food) will be emblazoned with the league’s official logo:



As part of the league’s community outreach, we will host an annual SlaughterBall Youth Physical Education and Leadership Training Camp (SYPHELETC) that trains the youth of America to be SlaughterBallers.

As the co-founders of the sport, Raoul and I would be original members of Team WidowMaker. As such, we would need personas and awe-inspiring names like “Nitro” or “Sloth.” For his name, Raoul chose Shadowhawk Ninjakiller which is so unbelievably bad-ass, I can’t even begin to explain it. Now, let me explain how bad-ass it is. First, he’s a shadow, so not only are you incapable of physically touching him, but he follows you EVERYWHERE. Second, he’s a hawk, which means he can see things from a mile away and he can fly. And finally, the motherfucker kills ninjas so much, they made it his nickname. Are you kidding me?

Xander gets to be an honorary co-founder because the creators of SlaughterBall are nothing if not benevolent. The only stipulation for his entry is that Raoul got to pick his name. After careful deliberation, Raoul settled on the terrifyingly intimidating Jebediah Waffleskin. Need to change your diaper yet?

As my show name, I chose Fuckemall McGillicutty, mostly because it’s my favorite flavor of ice cream. On a side note, my birthday is this weekend and as you could probably figure from this blog, I’ll be turning 12. I hope I never win the lottery.