The Origin of (a) Man

Tonight when I revealed in an exclusive sneak preview that I was going to explain the origin of my name, Raoul, ever supportive of my endeavors, said “Have people been asking?” The answer to that is “no, not one,” but let me challenge you, reader: What would investigative journalism be if I just waited around for everyone else to ask the questions? It’d be sloppy seconds, that’s what. And nobody likes sloppy seconds (except for your father, apparently, who seems to enjoy having sex with your mother immediately after I have, the weirdo). But enough about Raoul Raincloud, this is MY blog, dammit.

Everywhere I go, people want to know “What does Ablakalypse Now mean?” Unfortunately, when strangers accost me, my BenevolenceFilter translates whatever they say into “Can you spare some change? I need to continue my drug habit” so I usually reply with something like, “Frig off, I don't have any food!” It isn’t until much later, as I review the day’s events with a bucket of scotch, that I discover what was actually asked. Well, my friends, if you dare, follow me into the rabbit hole so we can get to the bottom of the relatively simple origin of this blog’s name.

It all began some years ago when I toured the globe as a world-famous rapper. “Blaka,” you see, is my rap name, for it is the sound what my gun(s) makes when it is fired. The fact that my entire persona is named after a gun firing leads one to believe that my gun is fired frequently, and it certainly is, but this is no ordinary gun (more on this in a minute).

Now, when you hear “apocalypse,” you picture one of two things:
1. One of the best supervillains EVER
2. Fire raining from the heavens (in a bad way)

It is in the spirit of #2 that my name arises. So, if we couple my gun, or at least the sound of it (“blaka,” remember? We just fucking talked about this…) with this notion of things falling from the sky, we can then assume that what actually rains from above are bullets from my gun. Fear not, weary travelers, these bullets are not messengers of death, but of laughter. For you see, humor is my ammo. So I guess that makes the computer my gun?

Actually, I’m pretty sure…





Thank you, Stanley Kubrick.

So there you have it, my genesis, if you will. Just a note, if I were a female (only $10,000 more to go!!!), I would have named this blog "Blogging Molly." And I would also totally use my new powers to stare at other girls in the locker room...schwing!