The Surprise of the Year Award for 2010 goes to The Sword. These guys, minus their chubby I-ain’t-got-time-to-stay-on-beat hipster drummer, look like Spinal Tap and sound like Black Sabbath from 30 years ago. (I originally typed “20 years ago”…holy shit I’m getting old…) My wife checked these guys out before we went to Austin, and I thought they sounded pretty aight. Come to find out, they fucking rock. The crowd, full of overweight misfits and middle-aged metalheads, rocked along with devil fingers hoisted nearly as high as their owners. Great show, great image, great band.
Runner-up: Nortec Collective Presents: Bostich + Fussible
Their write-up in the ACL program describes their style of music as “a fusion of Norteño…and Techno.” I don’t know how to explain it any better, but all you really need to know is that everyone at this show was dancing. Everyone. Except me. And this guy:
Second Runner-up: M.I.A
I know M.I.A isn’t really a surprise artist per se, but we were about to pack up and leave right before she came on. We ended up staying for damn near the whole set, which was filled with gunshots, lasers, and plenty of volume.
The Kiss My Dick Award for 2010 goes to all the bands that performed on Sunday. We kinda wanted to see Dawes and Yeasayer, but we’d already seen the latter perform in Dallas, and just two bands ain’t reason enough to stand in the sun with a bunch of grumpy douchebags all day. Kiss it, Sunday. All of it.
Runner-up: The Strokes.
Insert Strokes CD, press play, save $180.
Second runner-up: Ryan Bingham
Ryan, your show was really good, but your forcefully over-graveled voice makes Sling Blade sound like Allison Krauss. Get real, guy.
The Most Likely to End Up In Hell award goes to me, for several reasons, but specifically for taking a picture of a young woman whose calves were wildly disproportionate in size. When I realized she had palsy, I deleted the picture. Shut up, I don’t want to talk about it (except to say that the difference in calf-size was tremendous and that she was pretty hot (aside from the tremendous difference in calf-size, I mean).
The “Alright, Guys, Surely We Can Figure Out a Way to Make a Rap Concert Sound Better Than This” Award goes to Ninjasonik. These guys were the effing worst and no amount of gimmicky lines (“Somebody’s gonna get prennant”) or even gimmickier remixes (“Do the Bartman”? Really?) could save their show. If you really want to know what they’re like live, step on a bass drum every second for 5 minutes and yell “NINJA FUCKIN’ SONIK WE ARE SONIC FUCKIN’ NINJAS” non-stop with one of your friends. Congratulations, you are now a sonic fuckin’ ninja.
The Funniest Artist Award goes to Dan Black. After getting the crowd to clap with the beat, he acted like every clap was affecting his body sexually. When he’d had his fun he muttered into the microphone, “Ooh ACL, you’s a bad bitch!” Also, every time he sang the line“Let my loneliness get blown away” from his smash-hit “Symphonies” he did the jerk-off motion with his hands. Classic comedy.
Runner Up: Mayer Hawthorne for recounting a story wherein one of his fans asked for an autograph and said “you’re Michael Buble, right?” So maybe his fan is really the funny one, but whatever. The crowd got a pretty good chuckle out of that one.
The Bands That Obviously Know What They’re Doing Awards for this year go to:
The Black Keys – We couldn’t really get close enough to feel like we were a part of the show, but we could hear them pretty well, and damn can these guys play. Just sit there, close your eyes, and listen.
Matt and Kim – These two really rocked the crowd. We were pretty far back, but their vibe carried halfway across the park. Really good stuff.
Miike Snow – Our first show of the weekend, and a great way to start.
Gogol goddamn Bordello – So much energy. I wish they had played more songs I knew (namely “American Wedding”), but you have got to see these crazy fuckers perform live. They could write an entire song about how much they hate my guts and I would love it.
The Unfortunately Small Crowd Award goes to Dan Black. Actually, it was a fortunately small crowd for us. My lady friend, who has a musical boner the size of an elphant for Dan Black, was able to get pretty close to the stage with minimal effort. I heard variations on the following conversation several times throughout the show:
Shirtless frat guy 1: “Who is this guy?"
Shirtless frat guy 2: “I dunno, but he’s really good!”
Shirtless frat guy 1: “Yeah! Beer and New Balance and shit!” *fist pound*
If Dan Black doesn’t have a bigger stage and a bigger crowd next year, you’re all assholes.
Runner-up: The Sword
The Sword rules and more people should know it.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The award of all awards, the reason people attend ACL in the first place...drum roll, please...
And the winner of 2010's Maddest Hatter Award is this fuckin' guy:
Come on, buddy.
Well, that does it for 2010. I know I say this every year, but within the first 10 minutes of arriving at ACL, I swore to God I would never come back. The crowds were insane, the walk to the park was interminable, the heat was ridiculous even in October, but before the first night was even over I was planning on buying tickets for 2011. If you like music, road trips, cleavage, and overpriced beer, I strongly encourage you to attend next year’s festival. I’ve been 4 years running and it keeps getting better.
1 comment:
Weird Al would shut that thing down. I am pretty sure he isn't even allowed in Austin anymore for peeing on the Alamo...wait...I might be off on that.
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