Pick-Up Schmucks

I seem to get hit on by guys quite a bit. Context clues lead me to conclude a few different things. First, and this I take as a compliment, apparently I look gay. Second, I must look relatively easy. Third, I’m not completely repulsive in terms of appearance. You might think it’s weird that I get hit on specifically by guys, but when you consider the passiveness of straight women, the wedding ring on my finger, and the fact that I frequent gay bars, it’s not so unusual…usually.

It can definitely be flattering to be hit on. I’m not sexually interested in men, but who doesn’t like to be told “I find you attractive”? In most cases I can just say something like “Ahh, thanks. I’m straight, so you’re probably better off spending your time on another guy…sorry.”

I used to humor people, but on one occasion someone bought me a shot, found out I was married, and then insulted my wife, which resulted in me uncharacteristically threatening to beat the shit out of him. Now though, a quick “thanks, but no thanks” usually does the trick.

However, every now and again I have no idea how to react to a situation. Someone either says something ridiculously weird or goes way over the top. For example, “I love the taste of your hair” is a little weird and something like “I want to fuck you right where you are standing” is a little strong. I haven’t actually heard those exact lines, but once you hear the stories below, you'll see how those would be appreciated.

One time I was walking my dog. A man who looked and sounded EXACTLY like Amante Kabundi (that’s for all zero of you that went to high school with me) pulled up in a pimped-out, silver Dodge Magnum. He slowed to a stop as he neared me and rolled down his window. This is how that went:

Amante Lookalike: Do I get to get walked next?

Fuckmurder McGillicutty: Excuse me?

AL: Can I be next?

FM: What?

AL: Do I get to get walked next?

FM: Um, if you...want to???

AL: Do I get to get walked next?

FM: What???

AL: Nevermind, baby.

And then he drove off. I don’t even know if it was a pickup line. Maybe he really needed to be walked. This probably happened a year ago and I still haven’t figured it out. I mean, hell, I answered his fucking question with what at the time seemed like a quick way to disarm him, but in retrospect was probably the answer that was most likely to result in me winding up on the business end of some dude’s butthole…but then he asked it again. If any of you figures out what this guy wanted, please let me know. It’s been bothering me for awhile now.

Then recently as I was, incidentally, walking the dogs at night, a car crept up to me with its windows down. Coming to a complete stop in the middle of the road, the driver said quickly “vant koompani?” I did my damnedest to ignore him and just kept on walking down the sidewalk. Apparently he thought I was playing coy, because he sped off, turned around, and drove by a second time, but I picked up the pace and got back inside before he had a chance to lay his smooth, Russian mumble on me again. I could maybe understand if I was walking down the street with my pants around my ankles, but I had my dogs with me. Suppose I did vant koompani. What would I do with the dogs? How do I know he’s not into beastiality and he's just using me to get to my animals? The scariest part about this guy was that I’d be willing to bet he was using that line because it’s actually worked before. Who are these people?

Then, get this, a few weeks ago I was at a gay bar. Some dude said to me “If I had to fuck your wife to be able to fuck you, I would.” I didn’t know what else to do but laugh. Just so we’re clear, “If I had to fuck your wife…” are the words least likely to get you laid by me, next to “It’s good to see you, son.”

But this guy didn’t stop. No, he proceeded to drunk at me “My dad is Irish and my mom is Brazilian so I really like guys with red facial hair and green eyes…I think it’s really hot.” Then he stared suggestively at me.

Some of you might have never seen me, so for the sake of the story I need to include a brief physical description of myself here: I have red facial hair and green eyes.

From context clues I gathered that this joker might as well have been staring suggestively at his father. I don’t have anything to say about this that could make it any more hilarious/disturbing, so I’ll just ask you to read it again and let it simmer in your brain for a minute. This is, without a doubt, the worst pickup line I have ever heard. If you’ve heard worse, I’d love for you to share. Bad pickup lines are goddamn entertaining (at least I hope, considering that was the premise around which I based this entire post).

!!!BONUS PICKUP LINE!!!: one time my wife was dancing at a bar and some joker got all up in her business and said “Damn, girl…you built like a soap dish!” First person to decipher that one gets $50.*

*No they don’t.

Bucket List: The Third

Let’s all just forget that I haven’t posted anything in several months and move on, ok? Frequenters of my blog might recall a little ol’ thing we around here like to call the bucket list. Well it’s back, baby. Despite Raoul living it up in Hawaii (seriously…he’s getting paid to blow things up, drink beer, and go to the beach), we put our heads together yet again and realized there is still so much to accomplish before we die. We've compiled our third list of stuff to do before we suck the bucket below. At this point you should know the drill, but in case you’ve slept since my last bucket list, here are the rules: I’m odd, Raoul is even, and Morgan Freeman is fucking evil.


1. Suck the poison out.
2. Escape from prison.
3. Swallow something whole.
4. Earn more nicknames than anyone.
5. Learn to tell time without using a watch.
6. Hang low.
7. Spell “bourgeoisie” correctly without having to look it up. Dammit.
8. Throw a dart through someone’s ear.
9. Masturbate outside.
10. Perform an exorcism.
11. Create my own flag.
12. Armwrestle an albino.
13. Wear someone’s name out.
14. Put someone in their place (see #12)
15. Start a mosh pit in a grocery store.
16. Audibly scoff at a jury’s verdict.
17. Revel in someone’s glory (preferably mine).
18. Commit perjury.
19. Feel the burn.
20. Find a hooker to change my diaper.
21. Make a comeback.
22. Navigate using only the stars.
23. Swing it to the drums.
24. Own a compound.
25. Swing it to guitar.
26. Get stationed in Area 51.
27. Swing it to the bass in the back of my car.
28. Own a hyperbaric chamber.
29. Finish my voodoo training.
30. Take over Hollywood.
31. Stick to someone else’s guns.
32. Get a Purple Heart. (possible, given Raoul is now a Marine)
33. Throw a ball back.
34. Kill a human. (also possible)
35. Complete my manifesto.
36. Score 300 on the USMC PFT. (that's short for the United States Marine Corps Physical Fitness Test. "I bet I can do it," you might say. "Doubtful," I would counter. To get a perfect score of 300, you've got to do 20 pull-ups (sorry ladies), 100 crunches within 2 minutes, run 3 miles in under 18 minutes, and eat an entire cake in 3 seconds. *snicker*)
37. Yell “show us your tits” somewhere.
38. Remember that other thing I wanted to put on my bucket list.