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The other night I was looking back at some of my older posts and I stumbled upon one of my earliest entries, the bucket list. As you’ll recall (the 2 of you who have read my blog since the beginning), Raoul and I were inspired by Driving Miss Daisy to start a bucket list before Morgan Freeman murdered us on our death beds…or something to that effect. Now that I think about it, it probably had to do with actually accomplishing something before we reached old age. That being said, I hope to never really see old age as I’ve decided that when I hit 65, I’m committing suicide, or “euthanasia,” as it were (or will be). And I’m not just talking about you’re average, run-of-the-mill shotgun to the face here. No, when I reach 65, I’m going to parachute out of a plane. Instead of a parachute, however, I’ll have explosives strapped to my back. After I jump, I’ll count to 10, pull the rip cord (which will be more like a grenade pin (and me the grenade)), and KABLOOEY! Ablakabits will rain from the heavens like manna. Enough about my own demise though. Despite several court orders and the prayers of many, Raoul and I put our heads together again and came up with more things to do before we die. This time, I’m even and Raoul is odd (you can say that again).
- Get a Royal Flush, preferably in a game of strip poker.
- Hit a hole-in-one (putt-putt will be fine).
- Rig the 2010 World Cup so Xander has to eat his own face.
- Figure out who stole the goddamn cookies from the cookie jar.
- Find the stork nest and kidnap all the babies for ransom.
- Shoot the moon.
- Become a shipping magnate.
- Yell “PLAY BALL!!!” at a baseball game way before the National Anthem is finished.
- Genocide (start or stop).
- Create a unit of measurement.
- Be granted sainthood.
Throw my hands in the air and wave ‘em like I just don’t care.
- Have sex with a little person.
- Sleep it off.
- Have sex with a famous person who is 20 years my senior (or junior).
- Drown my sorrows in alcohol.
- Desecrate a holy site.
- Give a high-five (to anyone) during sex.
- Make it onto a top 10 list (e.g. FBI’s Most Wanted, Top Ten People Most Likely To Sleep With Your Wife, etc.)
- Quell an uprising.
- Make an ear necklace.
- Misquote an idiom in a serious situation (For example: “I’m surprised that Mr. Thompson sucked the bucket at such a young age…he seemed so healthy!”)
- See if I can touch your kidneys.
- Make it all the way to the toilet, for once.
- Challenge an infant to a cagefight.
- Give 110% at a time when that much effort is completely unnecessary.
- Get my hands on my CIA dossier.
- Don’t stop til I get enough.
- Have a statue of me erected.
- Refer to someone as “tough guy” just before whipping their ass.
- Discover a new species, name it after myself, then eradicate it.
- Guess someone’s card.
- Be knighted (in America).
- Kick someone where the sun don’t shine.
- One-handed pushup.
- Steal someone’s identity and improve upon it.
- Take the slow train to Peanutopolis.
Demonstrate yet again the evil nature of Morgan Freeman. (This is a bonus for the long-timers)
1 comment:
the mujician said somebody looked in his butthole the other day. don't ask, don't tell. but i think he had anal listed in the original bucket list and should henceforth be crossed off.
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