Go Snug Yourself

I paid $15 for a Snuggie the other day. And no, “Snuggie” isn’t some code word for a dirty sex act or else I would have said “The other day I paid $15 bucks for some hooker to give me a Snuggie. After she finished I beat her up and got my money back. Then her pimp tried to kick my ass, but I got the best of him and Snuggied all over his face to teach him a lesson.” Snuggies (or the even dirtier sounding alternative, Slankets) are blankets with sleeves. “Sleeved blankets?” you might say. “That’s fucking stupid,” you might continue. Well a few days ago, I’d totally be with you. The first time I saw a commercial for Snuggies, all I could think was “Who the hell would buy that?”

Then I bought one.

Now, I’ve only worn it once because I actually bought it for my wife and she hasn’t taken the damn thing off since I brought it home, but let me tell you that I’ve never been so comfortable in my entire life as when I’m wearing a Snuggie. On the surface, Snuggies look like backwards robes without hoods or that waist-tie thing (you know, the thing that for some reason unbeknownst to me actually prevents people from seeing your balls), but somehow they don’t make me feel like nearly as much of a douchebag as if I was wearing a robe. I can’t say for sure, but it’s probably because Snuggies make you look like a motherfuckin' warlock. And I know that everyone has their own personal stand-up routine about how ridiculous infomercials are, but the people who can truly appreciate the Snuggie are the same people who have actually experienced the terror and panic of being trapped in a blanket when all you want to do is change the damn channel. Aside from increased mobility, you can text, flip someone off, and make shadow puppets all while still being completely covered by a blanket. Taking all these things into account, it’s easy to see what the Snuggie represents: Freedom. So basically it’s unpatriotic not to own one. Before you go running to your nearest Snuggie merchant though, I must warn that you will probably have mixed feelings about wearing it in public because one of two things can happen. Either people will think you are a fucking idiot OR they will fear your magical powers. If you do wear it in public, I recommend you walk around with some kind of small animal (a newt or a rabbit perhaps). That way you can tell people that it actually used to be a human, but you turned them into a creature because they mocked your Cloak of Snugness. Yeah...that'll shut em up good! In all seriousness, don’t wear this thing out of the house. It’s awesome, but it looks totally rigoddamndiculous. Snug on, my friends. For America’s sake.