It’s official: I am the world’s least desirable friend. Within the past couple of years, several of my closest friends have moved almost literally as far away from me as they could without leaving the country. In typical fashion, I’ve written a long overdue sendoff for the most recent McGillicutty evacuee, without whom I will probably devolve into some humorless douche who tells tasteful, appropriate jokes. You know the drill, I’m gonna miss you fuckers and all that.
1Yet again, the prophet appeared before the multitude.
2“Not you again…” they said unto him.
3“Lo,” the prophet said. “Tis I, come yet again to warn thee of the third Horseman of the Ablakalypse! Wouldst thou have me not?”
4“There’s a-fucking-nother one?” the crowd cried in disbelief. Several among them shit their pants at the mere notion.
5“Aye! Surely by now ye know the terror of the horsemen, each more horrid than the last, yet still more fearsome than the next. In fact, I’m not quite sure why thou still opteth to live in this place, but I digresseth. Lo, people!” the prophet lowered his voice as the crowd grew quieter, “feareth plenty, for I am here to warn thee of the one they call ‘The Jerome.’”
6The men began to whisper and the women chattered nervously.
7“We have heard this tale, old man” someone shouted dismissively from the crowd.
8“Aye,” cried another, “tis just a legend.”
9“FOOLS!” the prophet yelled. “My story hath yet but just begane, For the Jerome traveleth not alone. 10He rideth in tandem with his partner, the only yet Horsewoman of the Ablakalypse, the Laureaux!”
11The crowd stared at him incredulously. The prophet continued, “the Laureaux possesseth the ability to, no matter the obstacle, reach around it and get to the goal.”
12“REACH AROUND?!” came an anonymous female voice from the crowd.
13“Aye, reach around,” the prophet confirmed. 14“Thine only comfort is that these two, united by the unholy powers of the Ablakalypse itself, rideth atop a beast so mammoth, so massive, so grotesque, so undeniably gigantic that thou shall see it coming, shall hear its footsteps hours, nay, days before it arriveth, the Jereaux on its back, plumes of heavy smoke billowing from their mouths. This tank of a creature, whom they calleth ‘Frank,’ standeth fathoms wide by fathoms high, his chest larger than thy moons.”
15“Prophet,” the crowd replied, “our tunics runneth over with shite still. Why dost thou torture us so?”
16“Tell me, crowd, how dost thou expect to survive if I do not warn thee?” the prophet questioned.
17The crowd consulted each other. “Well, what if we shall outsmart the Jerome,” they replied.
18“But the Jerome is a genius…for he hath outsmarteth Charles Onions!” countered the prophet, his energy building. Stunned, the crowd met again.
19After a few seconds they responded, “Then we shall hurleth at him with all our might the weapon of our peoples, the flying disc,” they proposed, now confident of their impending victory.
20“BUT THE JEROME WILL CATCH THEM ALL!” The prophet’s voice increased tremendously in both pitch and volume. 21Though the people were scared, they could barely take him seriously for how ridiculous he sounded. “And he shall countereth with the weapon of HIS people, a ball of ivory, which he shall hurleth at thy shins.”
22“He couldn’t!” a woman exclaimed.
23“He wouldn’t!” a child shouted.
24“OHHHHHH, BUT HE SHALL!” the prophet prophesied. He continued, “though formidable in violence, the Jerome’s true power resteth in what he hath writ, for it is as they say, the pen is mightier than the sword.”
25The people asked unto him, “is that a euphemism for something?”
26And the prophet did reply, “What? Oh, no, I’ve never seen his weiner or anything if that’s what you mean.”
27Tired of all the nonsense, the eldest elder in the group stepped up. 28“Get on with it, prophet,” he said.
29“Lo, elder, none of this compares to the Jerome’s most vile tactic” the prophet continued.
30The crowd felt their bowels ready to explode. 31“What could it possibly be?” they cried in alarming unison.
32“The Jerome shall…” the prophet trailed off. He paused to gain strength, as if what he was about to say would exhaust him. “The Jerome shall stealeth thy clothes and he shall weareth them for eternities, lifetimes, ages! So long that thou shall forget thy even possessed thine own clothing!”
33Everyone present that day fainted. 34As they came to, they witnessed the prophet putting the final touches on a drawing in the sand. “People,” the prophet said as he pointed towards the ground in front of him, “come see thine end.” The crowd looked before them and saw:
35As they looked up, they were surprised to find the prophet still standing before them.
36“Lo!” the crowd cried. “Ye remain!”
37No sooner had the prophet finished his sentence than the ground rumbled beneath everyone’s feet. In the distance, an eclipsing shadow loomed. From atop the lumbering chestnut mass rose an endlessly thick stream of stanky smoke. 38And the prophet did shit his pants. 39The crowd, having witnessed the soiling of the prophet, shathed their pants a third time.
1Yet again, the prophet appeared before the multitude.
2“Not you again…” they said unto him.
3“Lo,” the prophet said. “Tis I, come yet again to warn thee of the third Horseman of the Ablakalypse! Wouldst thou have me not?”
4“There’s a-fucking-nother one?” the crowd cried in disbelief. Several among them shit their pants at the mere notion.
5“Aye! Surely by now ye know the terror of the horsemen, each more horrid than the last, yet still more fearsome than the next. In fact, I’m not quite sure why thou still opteth to live in this place, but I digresseth. Lo, people!” the prophet lowered his voice as the crowd grew quieter, “feareth plenty, for I am here to warn thee of the one they call ‘The Jerome.’”
6The men began to whisper and the women chattered nervously.
7“We have heard this tale, old man” someone shouted dismissively from the crowd.
8“Aye,” cried another, “tis just a legend.”
9“FOOLS!” the prophet yelled. “My story hath yet but just begane, For the Jerome traveleth not alone. 10He rideth in tandem with his partner, the only yet Horsewoman of the Ablakalypse, the Laureaux!”
11The crowd stared at him incredulously. The prophet continued, “the Laureaux possesseth the ability to, no matter the obstacle, reach around it and get to the goal.”
12“REACH AROUND?!” came an anonymous female voice from the crowd.
13“Aye, reach around,” the prophet confirmed. 14“Thine only comfort is that these two, united by the unholy powers of the Ablakalypse itself, rideth atop a beast so mammoth, so massive, so grotesque, so undeniably gigantic that thou shall see it coming, shall hear its footsteps hours, nay, days before it arriveth, the Jereaux on its back, plumes of heavy smoke billowing from their mouths. This tank of a creature, whom they calleth ‘Frank,’ standeth fathoms wide by fathoms high, his chest larger than thy moons.”
15“Prophet,” the crowd replied, “our tunics runneth over with shite still. Why dost thou torture us so?”
16“Tell me, crowd, how dost thou expect to survive if I do not warn thee?” the prophet questioned.
17The crowd consulted each other. “Well, what if we shall outsmart the Jerome,” they replied.
18“But the Jerome is a genius…for he hath outsmarteth Charles Onions!” countered the prophet, his energy building. Stunned, the crowd met again.
19After a few seconds they responded, “Then we shall hurleth at him with all our might the weapon of our peoples, the flying disc,” they proposed, now confident of their impending victory.
20“BUT THE JEROME WILL CATCH THEM ALL!” The prophet’s voice increased tremendously in both pitch and volume. 21Though the people were scared, they could barely take him seriously for how ridiculous he sounded. “And he shall countereth with the weapon of HIS people, a ball of ivory, which he shall hurleth at thy shins.”
22“He couldn’t!” a woman exclaimed.
23“He wouldn’t!” a child shouted.
24“OHHHHHH, BUT HE SHALL!” the prophet prophesied. He continued, “though formidable in violence, the Jerome’s true power resteth in what he hath writ, for it is as they say, the pen is mightier than the sword.”
25The people asked unto him, “is that a euphemism for something?”
26And the prophet did reply, “What? Oh, no, I’ve never seen his weiner or anything if that’s what you mean.”
27Tired of all the nonsense, the eldest elder in the group stepped up. 28“Get on with it, prophet,” he said.
29“Lo, elder, none of this compares to the Jerome’s most vile tactic” the prophet continued.
30The crowd felt their bowels ready to explode. 31“What could it possibly be?” they cried in alarming unison.
32“The Jerome shall…” the prophet trailed off. He paused to gain strength, as if what he was about to say would exhaust him. “The Jerome shall stealeth thy clothes and he shall weareth them for eternities, lifetimes, ages! So long that thou shall forget thy even possessed thine own clothing!”
33Everyone present that day fainted. 34As they came to, they witnessed the prophet putting the final touches on a drawing in the sand. “People,” the prophet said as he pointed towards the ground in front of him, “come see thine end.” The crowd looked before them and saw:
35As they looked up, they were surprised to find the prophet still standing before them.
36“Lo!” the crowd cried. “Ye remain!”
37No sooner had the prophet finished his sentence than the ground rumbled beneath everyone’s feet. In the distance, an eclipsing shadow loomed. From atop the lumbering chestnut mass rose an endlessly thick stream of stanky smoke. 38And the prophet did shit his pants. 39The crowd, having witnessed the soiling of the prophet, shathed their pants a third time.
1 comment:
Aw. I'm flattered, but Conrad totally kicked my ass in videogame Jeopardy. What kind of holy book has a historical inaccuracy in it? Also, just come live with us. We got a GameCube this weekend if that sweetens the deal.
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