Bucket List: The Third

Let’s all just forget that I haven’t posted anything in several months and move on, ok? Frequenters of my blog might recall a little ol’ thing we around here like to call the bucket list. Well it’s back, baby. Despite Raoul living it up in Hawaii (seriously…he’s getting paid to blow things up, drink beer, and go to the beach), we put our heads together yet again and realized there is still so much to accomplish before we die. We've compiled our third list of stuff to do before we suck the bucket below. At this point you should know the drill, but in case you’ve slept since my last bucket list, here are the rules: I’m odd, Raoul is even, and Morgan Freeman is fucking evil.


1. Suck the poison out.
2. Escape from prison.
3. Swallow something whole.
4. Earn more nicknames than anyone.
5. Learn to tell time without using a watch.
6. Hang low.
7. Spell “bourgeoisie” correctly without having to look it up. Dammit.
8. Throw a dart through someone’s ear.
9. Masturbate outside.
10. Perform an exorcism.
11. Create my own flag.
12. Armwrestle an albino.
13. Wear someone’s name out.
14. Put someone in their place (see #12)
15. Start a mosh pit in a grocery store.
16. Audibly scoff at a jury’s verdict.
17. Revel in someone’s glory (preferably mine).
18. Commit perjury.
19. Feel the burn.
20. Find a hooker to change my diaper.
21. Make a comeback.
22. Navigate using only the stars.
23. Swing it to the drums.
24. Own a compound.
25. Swing it to guitar.
26. Get stationed in Area 51.
27. Swing it to the bass in the back of my car.
28. Own a hyperbaric chamber.
29. Finish my voodoo training.
30. Take over Hollywood.
31. Stick to someone else’s guns.
32. Get a Purple Heart. (possible, given Raoul is now a Marine)
33. Throw a ball back.
34. Kill a human. (also possible)
35. Complete my manifesto.
36. Score 300 on the USMC PFT. (that's short for the United States Marine Corps Physical Fitness Test. "I bet I can do it," you might say. "Doubtful," I would counter. To get a perfect score of 300, you've got to do 20 pull-ups (sorry ladies), 100 crunches within 2 minutes, run 3 miles in under 18 minutes, and eat an entire cake in 3 seconds. *snicker*)
37. Yell “show us your tits” somewhere.
38. Remember that other thing I wanted to put on my bucket list.