Bear vs. Lion

Tonight a good friend of mine (we'll call him 'Raoul') asked me 'Which animal would win in a fight...a lion or a bear?'

In order to answer the question, I had to first disregard the obvious fact that if two such awesome forces ever met, they would refuse to fight out of mutual respect for each other's prowess. Next, I tried to imagine a ridiculous scenario in which the two creatures would actually meet. After failing to do so, I simply dropped the two of them into as neutral a backdrop as I could imagine...an icy plain on the edge of a grassy plain. Also, to be fair, I chose the largest specimen of each species I could find in a two-minute search on the internet. This would turn out to make the match slightly less than fair as the official bout would be between a 700 lb African Lion (Panthera leo) named "China" and a 2,200 lb Polar Bear (Ursus maritimus) named "Michael Phelps."*

With the stage set, it was time for the battle to begin. Aside from what I believed would actually happen (lion approaches bear, bear stands on hind legs, lion shits itself and runs), Raoul and I went through several different scenarios to try and determine a winner. Right off the bat, I chose bear. Now as I've said, Raoul is a good friend, so for the sake of his mental stability I hope he was merely playing devil's advocate as he chose the considerably outsized lion.

Raoul first suggested that the lion would charge the bear at 30 mph and knock it on its back. Considering that lions can reach speeds of up to 50 mph, I would say this is a serious strategic miscalculation on the lion's part. At any rate, Raoul believed this would give the lion easy access to the bear's throat, thus ending the conflict. My rebuttal had the bear standing on its hind legs, ready for an attack. Raoul countered that bears 'aren't all that sturdy.' I'm no expert on bears, but I'd say 2,200 lbs of ANYTHING is pretty goddamn sturdy.

In the interest of sportsmanship I conceded the point and changed the bear's position to standing on all fours in an attempt to create a lower center of gravity. Raoul's response? "When was the last time you saw a bear get into a 2 point stance like a linebacker?" Again, I had to concede as the last time I saw a lion and a bear in a fight, the bear did nothing that even slightly resembled a football player.

Clearly a change of strategy was in order. "Enough of this horseshit," I said to myself, "It's time to end this once and for all..." Surely, I thought, the bear wouldn't simply stand still and wait for the lion's charge attack. Now, not only was the bear on all fours, but he was charging right back at the lion in what can only be described as bear-lion chicken.** This feral joust essentially reduced the argument to Freight Train vs. Race Car and I think we all know what would happen in that situation. Checkmate.

Raoul sat there with his jaw on the floor.*** He was speechless. His precious lion had been demolished. My bear had won! Feel free to weigh in if you have a different opinion/scenario, but based on the picture below...case closed.

NOTE: No animals were harmed in the making of this picture. The lion is either sleeping or he's just been slapped silly by a polar bear that weighs ONE, FUCKING, TON, in which case he most certainly was hurt, but he was asking for it.



*Probably not the real names of the specimens being discussed.
**Since this sounds like a new version of paper-rock-scissors, but with animals, I tried to think of who would beat who. It goes without saying that bear pees on lion and lion makes fun of chicken, but unless bears are especially susceptible to salmonella, I don't think it really works out.
***I wasn't actually with Raoul when we had this conversation. This bit of narrative was added for dramatic effect. I'm guessing the only thing of Raoul's that was on the floor at the time of our discussion was his pants.