Creatures of Legend

I love mysterious monsters. In fact, I’m such a fan that I think it’s high time somebody lobbied for them to be called by a less offensive name. Modern society has embraced civil rights to such a degree that we now have to refer to all manner of bitches, whores, and sluts as “women.” If you ask me, it’s a damn shame that we don’t extend the same courtesy to these…these Creatures of Legend. I’m talking of course about Sasquatch, the Mega Hog, the Chupacabra, the Loch Ness Creature of Legend (it has a ring to it, doesn’t it?) etc. Sadly, the world doesn’t have enough of these evolutionary misfits around. Sure, this short list is a pretty impressive who’s who of fantastic beings, but just like everything else in life, once you’ve watched the Discovery Channel special on it, what more is there to learn?

So, in the interest of keeping the dream alive, I decided to create some of my own Creatures of Legend. Here comes one now!


Armed with a pig’s supersonic hearing, a tiger’s outrageous sense of style, a jackrabbit’s insatiable desire to fuck, and, well, camel hooves, the Canadian Camel-Hooved Pigerjack spends his nights in the Canadian countryside lying in wait behind outhouses for wandering cowboys or cowsluts…wait, sorry…cowwomen? that sounds just as offensive…anyway, the Pigerjack waits for cowpersons to stumble to the necessary room in the middle of the night so he can latch onto their lower legs and hump like his life depends on it (it does). The ferocity of the Pigerjack’s humping quickly breaks the legs of his victims, rendering them helpless and immobile. Once the Pigerjack has felled his prey, he devours them within minutes. All Pigerjacks are males. And there’s only one of them. There used to be a female Pigerjack, but she couldn’t catch any prey because females don’t hump (if there are any women who want to prove me wrong, I’m available at a moment’s notice to witness firsthand).

Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation described society's view of the Pigerjack best when he said, "You don't want him around if you're wearing shortpants if you know what I mean."

Don't get too excited about the above photographic "evidence." Noted Pigerjack expert, me, has determined the picture to be a hoax. The Canadian Camel-Hooved Pigerjack is nocturnal and would never be seen roaring in the daylight. Ever.