Things That, as a Man, I'm Supposed to Find Sexy, but I Don’t.

It’s happened to everyone. “Dude, check this out!!!!” someone says to you, most often with a beer in one hand, a camera phone in the other, and a colossal grin on their face. You turn around, thinking “well this HAS to be cool if someone’s that excited about it.” You act surprised, even interested. Maybe you give a “Shit yeah!” and throw in a fist-pound for extra believability, but inside you’re thinking “Who is that guy and did he really just interrupt my drinking to show me…”

Sex with Twins
Maybe it’s because I went to high school with 2 sets of twins, but I’ve never understood the fascination with the idea. Once the novelty of Twin A (the one you meet first) and Bizarro Twin (the one that will always look weird because you met Twin A first, and so Twin A is now your standard for what everyone who looks like Twin A should really look like) wears off, what’s so sexy about two of the pretty-much-exact same thing? (Note: this argument does not apply to body parts that typically come in pairs…legs, breasts, tails, etc.) The only situation I can think of where it wouldn’t be strange to have sex with twins is if everyone was fucking wasted, in which case the guy probably wouldn’t even realize he was having a threesome. If you don’t know it’s happening, what’s the point?

Oh, also, THEY’RE RELATED. Might as well call it twincest.


P.O.V. Porn
I get the idea. P.O.V. (that’s “point-of-view,” for those of you with absolutely no deductive reasoning skills whatsoever) porn is supposed to make you feel like you’re actually there, totally nailing that freakishly proportioned lady (or two, or ten). The only problem is, you’re not there. On top of that, you’re constantly reminded that you’re not there by the fact that having bareback anal sex with three different girls covered in baby oil hardly feels like masturbating (I’m just guessing here…I’ve never masturbated). Also, any time I see P.O.V. porn all I can think to myself is “wait a second…my dick isn’t the size of a school bus!!” Which raises yet another issue: who wants to watch a porno where the screen is 1/3 dong? Not i, said the j.


Catfights
Correct me if I’m wrong, but catfights are allegedly appealing because the two women could ultimately rip each others' clothes off, forget why they’re fighting, and decide that the best way to make up is to 69 in front of a crowd. First, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and propose that Violence ≠ Sex. I may have lost a few of you there, but try to let it sink in. Second, instead of praying for the ludicrous to happen, shouldn’t someone be thinking “Wait, one of these women could get seriously injured if we don’t stop this?” The answer is “yes,” but I’d be willing to bet that an alarming majority of men who’ve seen a catfight couldn’t help but think, “Maybe if I get close enough, they’ll pull me in too when they start fucking!!!”


Women putting phallic objects in their mouth
Here’s how cavemen think: “Thing in woman mouth look like ding-dong!” *orgasm*

One of the more common objects used in this lame version of foreplay (more like BOREplay, am I right?!) is probably a banana. I loathe bananas. I can’t stand the smell, the look, or the taste of bananas. If a girl was about to go down on me, I’d almost rather her mouth have just been around some other guy’s dick than a banana. Does that make me gay?


Now quit slobbering on somebody’s perfectly good produce and make yourself useful.