Hepatitis, Mascara, and Lasers, Oh My!

At my last job I was tasked with reviewing resumes for open positions. I don’t know if you’ve ever looked at anyone’s resume besides your own, but you wouldn’t believe the shit people put on theirs. Now, I’m not talking about the typical errors. Everyone’s bound to have typos or spend way too long talking about everything. There are even a surprising amount of people who list things like “spelling” and “filing alphabetically and numerically” as SKILLS, but there are some screw-ups much worse than that. Here they are, in all their glory…the stupidest fucking things I’ve ever seen on resumes.

Our first guy listed “Chinese Kung-Fu” as one of his interests. Listen, kung-fu is already Chinese. You don’t need to specify. That’s like saying you enjoy eating American freedom fries and trapping your girlfriend in a Dutch Dutch oven. Also, who gives a shit? I didn’t post our classified ads, but I can guarantee none of them said “Seeking strong, humble martial arts master to whoop some serious ass. Ability to be kind of a douchebag preferred.”

Another guy listed “Chemical Warfare” under EDUCATION. I would have hired him based on that, but he didn’t specify offensive or defensive. Furthermore, who gives a shit? Think of the number of times in your life where knowledge of chemical warfare would have come in handy. Multiply that by a bazillion and what do you get? Zero.

The third guy on my team of superheroes (who I think will be called "The Ablakolytes") wrote “Certified in lasers.” Certified in fucking lasers. I should take a moment to say that I believe everyone on their resumes…except this asshole. That just sounds way too vague and childish to not be made up. He must have had his kid around when he was typing his resume. “Hey son,” he would have asked, “I need to show that I have some kind of special certification. Got any ideas?”

“What about lasers!!”

“Awesome.”

Another fellow wrote “Current Hepatitis A” as one of his PROFESSIONAL SKILLS. Note the curious lack of the word “vaccine.” I only have one question for this jerk. How is a disease a skill? (You could argue, technically, that macular degeneration gives you the ability to not see out of the center of your eye, but then you’d be a goddamned idiot, wouldn’t you?). I would have been more impressed if he listed how he got the disease. If he got it from his ex-girlfriend after talking her into a 2-girls-1-cup-style threesome with his born again Christian wife…THAT would be a skill. There’s also the issue of who gives a shit? Unless a job posting specifically mentions sex, blood-letting, vampirism, or coprophagia (again, I didn’t post the ads, so I dunno…), then, assuming he meant to say “vaccine,” who cares what diseases you can’t get?

Under EDUCATION, one woman wrote “08/96 – still attending.” I know plenty of people who didn’t finish college. No big deal. I know just as many people who left school, went back years later, and finished. Hell, I took more than 4 years to graduate after being figuratively boned by transferring schools and changing majors during my Junior year. But spending more than a decade of your life in college? If they made a movie about this lady, they’d have enough “lazy-fuckers in college and all of their wild antics” flicks to justify an entirely new genre. Shit or get off the pot, already (let’s be realistic, I think getting off the pot is the best option here).

And finally, we have Typhoid Mary. This lady had 5 previous jobs. Next to 4 of them she wrote “out of business” as her reason for leaving. Who gives a shit? ME. The only thing I gathered from this resume was that hiring her would give us a 20% chance of making it through the year. And seriously, why list that? You have to know that’s going to leave a bad taste in someone’s mouth. The only way she would have had a chance at the job is if she had let me leave a bad taste in her mouth, if you catch my meaning.
After I told Raoul about these, he came to the conclusion that God selected me to assemble a team of superheroes…and I’m inclined to believe him. Because I talk to God. And He told me so. Now go brush up your resume so you don’t look like one of these sheisskopfs.