Dearest Future-Freaks,

I’ve always been intrigued by unpopular opinions. Several years ago someone told me it would be creepier if Michael Jackson was sleeping in the same bed with little children and not molesting them. Mull it over for about 5 minutes and try to come up with a compelling counterargument (hint: it can’t be done). By taking a unique stance on a divisive issue, this benevolent person gave me the confidence to promote my own beliefs regardless of how they might be received.

Unpopular opinion #1 – Fuck endangered species.
Imagine the following slightly extreme scenario: Dinosaurs are still alive and co-exist relatively peacefully with humans. Without museum exhibits and the excitement of the unknown, kids now realize that the brontosaurus, while gargantuan, is about as cool as a camel’s nutsack in the middle of July. Big-game hunters hang Stegosauri (you don’t know what the plural form is either) heads on the walls in their gamerooms. Pamplona, Spain hosts the annual “Running of the Triceratops” where hordes of idiots are mauled by a creature that makes once feared bulls look impotent. Where’s the imagination?

Environmentalists’ main argument for saving endangered species is “what kind of world do you want to leave for your grandkids?” Well, assuming I give a damn since I won’t be here anyway, I want to leave a world where my grandkids can say “Mom, today in science class we learned about this crazy bird that used to exist when Pops (I’m making my grandkids call me that) was still alive. It’s called an ‘eagle’ and [well-intentioned, but misinformed] archaeologists say that it was a massive creature whose diet consisted solely of another weird animal called a ‘baboon.’” Then, instead of going to a zoo and maybe seeing baboons fuck/throw feces at each other (I don't know what the difference is either), my grandkids can mentally create a fantastical world where terrified baboons run frantically as gigantic eagles swoop down from the skies, deafening the world with their screams while they pluck their prey from the treetops.




Unpopular opinion #2 – Women are way hotter when they dress a little bit masculine.
(Quick sidebar: the other day I was searching for funny porn titles and came across what is, in my opinion, the undisputed champion. Ready? “Black Tranny Hootenanny”…fucking AWESOME) A girl in the right jeans, sneakers, and t-shirt can be almost as hot as a room full of black trannies…almost.


Unpopular opinion #3 – Baby eagles are tasty.