Staff Inspection

Lately I’ve been watching a lot of The West Wing. I have to admit, it’s not what I expected (what I expected was that show with Lowell and Tony Shalhoub as the immigrant cab driver), but it’s pretty damn good. For those of you in the “don’t know,” The West Wing was a TV drama that centered around President Josiah Bartlet (played by Martin Sheen, but should totally have been played by Emilio Estevez) and his Senior White House Staff. Throughout the show, as the strengths and weaknesses of each character were exposed I started asking myself, “If I were president, who would I choose as my Senior Staff?” Well, I’m glad I asked…

Press Secretary - Will Smith
Press Secretaries need to be quick-witted, charming, intelligent and humorous. Also, I’ll need someone who can boom! shake, shake the room whenever the situation demands it.

Deputy Communications Director - Hugh Jackman
I equate Hugh Jackman with my first vision of Halle Berry’s tig ‘ol bitties. He’s aces in my book.

So now I’ve got the black vote and the Australian vote all locked up…what’s next? Ahh yes…

Senior Communications Director - Kevin Bacon
Footloose, anyone? Plus, think how ridiculous the 6 Degrees game would be if he were also involved in politics. No, don’t think about it…your brain will eat itself.

Deputy Chief of Staff - Rose McGowan
Yowza. She can chief on my staff any day.

Chief of Staff - Wesley Snipes
Consider the following dialogue between President Bartlet and Secretary of Agriculture Roger Tribbey on how to select your Chief of Staff. My notes are in italics (so is this).

Bartlet: You have a best friend? check
Tribbey: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Is he smarter than you? check
Tribbey: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Would you trust him with your life? CHECK
Tribbey: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: That's your chief of staff. Oh. That was easy.

Vice President – Bill Murray
Technically, the Vice President isn’t considered Senior Staff, but I feel like this list would be incomplete without one. Especially one of such high calibre (during my reign, we woulde switche to the European spelling of things in an effourte to improve oure foureign relatiouns) as Bill Murray. The man is a comedic genius. What more could you ask for in a Vice President than the ability to make people laugh? Okay, you caught me. I might not exactly know what the Vice President’s job is. I’m sure Bill will be great though.

So there you have it. With my team of superheroes and me at the helm, our great nation will be safe from aliens, fictional literary monsters, giant, subterranean worms, zombies, vampires, ghosts and gophers. I’ll roll the dice with a nuclear war. That shit will NEVER happen.